Thursday, October 27, 2005


Of all the songs I listen to, this is my heart on a page...


The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Sorry if this makes no sense...

{This may make no sense, it is, like I said, my brain garbage :)}

My mind is running like crazy, yet sluggish themes seem to make cozy nests in the crevices of my reality. Just when I think I have it all together, I wrap my thoughts around areas of deep longing and struggle with my situation. For the first time in my life, I feel really liberated and free despite the ties that physically hold me down (including money, location etc.) but also a growing freedom from these sluggish themes.

Although I set my ipod to music that (at times) falls into the realm of depressing and simply: SAD, it is surprisingly a catalyst for my growing liberation and profound love of self! This is my life and I think that it is worth living in communion with the woman I am. And although I still hold so many secrets away from the world inside these boxes, I am comfortable enough to let the public know when I have released some of them! And I am really proud beyond words.

Now that I am letting go of past heartache, abuse and abuse of my own self (mentally and physically) I still hold one man in those complicated crevices. Those places in my reality that are both liberating and oppressive, beautiful and painful...emotional all the same.

Fears are ameliorated in my life, but he is still a fear of mine. A fear that he will no longer or does no longer miss me. When mental attention is no longer spent with me. When I blame myself for physically not being present and available for such attention. This is one demon: the Blame, I think we are both guilty of.

Perhaps I am addicted to the exquisite pain? Perhaps I just need to 'give it to god' (borrowing a phrase from my revival of a personal spirituality). God has been short changed on my mental time and now I think that god is helping me with this fear: Will he still love me? Because, I must stress this final point: I am dedicating some great time and love to myself, and if this man or any person doesn't see that shine outward, then they are blinded to the human experience. I am moving towards that point of "I am enough...enough for love, enough for god, enough to be happy and actively aware at the same time...I am enough for me and another if they wish to see it and share it." How is it that I am enough? My own standard. This is my life.

But damn, it would be great to share it with someone...perhaps with someone really special to me, who stretches me and makes me see even more of what I'm capable of. Someone who redefines the power of self.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I had to write it...

After my coffee shop buzz has worn off, I still find myself no closer to tiredness. I am awake in every sense of the word. Although I am Political Gal, and am passionate about the thematics that surround the premise of my Blog, I want to reinvent this for the sake of my current musings.

Love. Seems to be the only relic we have from a world that used to value emotion. Forgive the Pomo (Postmodern) infusion here, but it would seem that we are so concerned with quantifying our lives by way of scientific method, or qualifying them with the use of paradigmatic narratives (comparing our “morals” to the whole and making judgment claims), that we have forgotten that love is understood least in both Love” into a box, we have completely morphed ourselves into people of the here and now and are no longer allowing our vessels to be open to Love.

Now, I am not one for absolutes, I just know that something as special as Love that can be felt AND never understood or captured is something worthy of a capital letter, something greater than me. What that is, I have little to tell you because I only know it from my experience. Another great thing about Love is, that there are no experts, we are all on the same page and there is no way of qualifying…Love just is, and just happens.

For some time now, I have lived with prangs of the L word and am safe to admit to myself that there is certainly a connection that I cannot quantify or study in any logical manner. For the first time (in some time now), I can say that it is entirely painful, liberating and exquisite. By this I mean that although it is unrequited in conventional ways, he and I feel it, and that’s all the fuel I need to keep living my life, loving myself and placing this Love business in a power outside myself…because I am bias, selfish and am not quite in “that place” right now (neither is he). All I know is that it is. (I nod my head and pronounce the word period to stop myself from justifying how it is, why it is and what it is.) It just is. And I’m ok with that because it’s Love.

So, this may have you scratching your head and saying "strange"… really, I know!, and that is just par for the course of life this rookie golfer is putting along at. (Besides, I have always liked football better). Strange because I am in a constant battle with the Amy longing to be pissed for my broken heart, and the Amy who really cares and only wants happiness for this other. The latter Amy is trumping the situation and I genuinely want to see this fabulous human flourish into what I see in his eyes. What I love to see in his eyes…a fleeting beauty that I have the pleasure of witnessing.

That’s the thing about this Love stuff; rules of conduct and logic are gone, bets are off and you find yourself strangely caught in a limbo of emotion. Sadly, our languages, culture, even world, all run on logic and reason. Luckily, right here, right now, in front of my fireplace, late at night, after the rain, a yawn dawning in my thoat…emotions take the cake. And it is sweet.