After my coffee shop buzz has worn off, I still find myself no closer to tiredness. I am awake in every sense of the word. Although I am Political Gal, and am passionate about the thematics that surround the premise of my Blog, I want to reinvent this for the sake of my current musings.
Love. Seems to be the only relic we have from a world that used to value emotion. Forgive the Pomo (Postmodern) infusion here, but it would seem that we are so concerned with quantifying our lives by way of scientific method, or qualifying them with the use of paradigmatic narratives (comparing our “morals” to the whole and making judgment claims), that we have forgotten that love is understood least in both Love” into a box, we have completely morphed ourselves into people of the here and now and are no longer allowing our vessels to be open to Love.
Now, I am not one for absolutes, I just know that something as special as Love that can be felt AND never understood or captured is something worthy of a capital letter, something greater than me. What that is, I have little to tell you because I only know it from my experience. Another great thing about Love is, that there are no experts, we are all on the same page and there is no way of qualifying…Love just is, and just happens.
For some time now, I have lived with prangs of the L word and am safe to admit to myself that there is certainly a connection that I cannot quantify or study in any logical manner. For the first time (in some time now), I can say that it is entirely painful, liberating and exquisite. By this I mean that although it is unrequited in conventional ways, he and I feel it, and that’s all the fuel I need to keep living my life, loving myself and placing this Love business in a power outside myself…because I am bias, selfish and am not quite in “that place” right now (neither is he). All I know is that it is. (I nod my head and pronounce the word period to stop myself from justifying how it is, why it is and what it is.) It just is. And I’m ok with that because it’s Love.
So, this may have you scratching your head and saying "strange"… really, I know!, and that is just par for the course of life this rookie golfer is putting along at. (Besides, I have always liked football better). Strange because I am in a constant battle with the Amy longing to be pissed for my broken heart, and the Amy who really cares and only wants happiness for this other. The latter Amy is trumping the situation and I genuinely want to see this fabulous human flourish into what I see in his eyes. What I love to see in his eyes…a fleeting beauty that I have the pleasure of witnessing.
That’s the thing about this Love stuff; rules of conduct and logic are gone, bets are off and you find yourself strangely caught in a limbo of emotion. Sadly, our languages, culture, even world, all run on logic and reason. Luckily, right here, right now, in front of my fireplace, late at night, after the rain, a yawn dawning in my thoat…emotions take the cake. And it is sweet.